A few days ago, I wrote a post about why we are selling 95% of our earthly belongings, including our home, and moving into a 5th wheel.
What I didn’t touch on in that, and I want to be sure and say – is I am scared out of my damn mind. In my head, and on paper, I have a long list of the reasons why we want to do this ; all the fun things we will do while on the road, the skills I want the kids to grow and learn, the places we will see and relationships we will form.
At night though, when I’m laying in bed exhausted in a way I didn’t know possible, trying to calm my mind – it can be absolutely terrifying thinking through all the What Ifs.
– What if we are making a huge mistake?
– What if something happens along the way?
– What if our kids hate it, hate us, for taking them on this adventure?
– Shoot, what if I am the one who hates it?
– What if ……
The fear can literally send me into a near anxiety attack – and I am not a fearful person for the most part.
Tonight, I sat down with my 14 year old for a few special minutes alone together late in the evening and we had a very interesting conversation. This whole process, we have been open and transparent with the kids. We’ve told them that we are also tired, stressed, overwhelmed, uncertain. We’ve asked they’re input on where they would like to go and things they’d like to see. And, we have asked them what they are concerned about as well.
I was talking with our oldest about how this whole process is so very exciting, but also extremely scary. Every decision as an adult, and especially as a parent, you’re hoping you are making the best choice, but there are no guarantees or easy answers. What occurred to me as we were chatting is why I am facing so much fear and worry, after dreaming of this for years.
It’s the fact that this place has been the only home I have ever known. Sure, I’ve moved from small town to small town within a 30 minute range, but as a teen and adult I have only ever lived here. This little pocket of of Idaho, in my little tucked away corner of the country, is my comfort zone. It is where I am sure to meet someone I know at whatever store I choose to go to. It is my place of security, of complete confidence in where I am going – where I can always find what I need, where I feel safe and assured . It is my place of rest.
That being said, it is not my place of belonging. My husband and I have been having the conversation that we either needed to find a tribe to do this life with, or we needed to go where we possibly could. We loather the winters here and have no strong tribe of friends to make it tolerable. And that, even more so than the financial reasons for our decision I talked about in my other post, is the biggest reason I am pushing through for change.
Change is never an easy thing – and big changes? They can be absolutely terrifying, exhausting and often frustrating. You are fighting to move yourself from at rest into motion – and that takes a while lot of effort and force for change. It takes perseverance and downright stubborness at times. But for me, I’d rather go through a whole lot of uncomfortable in the pursuit of a life I love. Whether it’s job, location, or relationships, we can make the decision to change what our lives look like and where they are headed.
What do you want to change, and more importantly – why does it need to change?
With love –
P.S. Mel Robbins has been a huge part of my growth to face fear and change . You can search her and find all sorts of awesome stuff, but this is a good one on fear and change.